#2 10/10/2023
I probably could have wrote something better than dumping about thinking if my usual way of being is just caused because of the lack of understanding the outside of what i only been seeing in my life and rambling about nonsense but maybe it'll help me a little to start warming up my mind, i apologize if my writing is just jumping to a subject to another, writing is not my great stregnth although i'll appreciate any criticism even if it stings.
I have been a person with a low self-esteem because of my unsureness over everything and for every little thing i would just break and end up overwhelmed, having this fight or flight sequence over everything, it's been a thing that has been increasing since my late teens, it's not like something that would happen every time since in real life, it wasn't so ocassional for an event to happen in my life much so it was something i wouldn't focus or care because back then, stuff were pretty simple for me before. It was as long i would expect if other people they see me fine and whatever i am feeling in the interior isn't impacting me on the exterior then everything will be fine, one will see "ah, im just an average human that people don't seem to have much a problem with" and nothing else, so i would agree and just not mind much about it, i suppose i see the negative sides of one's interior, something about the underlying issues of their characteristics like their personality, ideas, anything about what comes about thinking, too direct. my personal life before i graduated maybe has been mostly unchallanging, and it's not about that i had riches or anything special, i just had a normal average class life, it's pretty much how i never did much in my life than just watching stuff, play some games, using my imagination and perhaps doing some hobby mostly everything at home, maybe help around and that's it i didn't do much outside than that, and i rarely would be outside because a young lad like me back then can't be alone and besides what place would i ever go?, there was nothing to do where i am unless you have a bunch of money... and pretty much other personal reasons. yeah i had school, you could say it is a place where challanges happens, well, i wouldn't say i had that many issues at school i have been at, or i could say almost nothing interesting happened at my school (except any stupid shenanigans about students being wacky and principals being boring old hags, but that's another story to tell) to make something to give me some kind of impact to open an eye of a new side of this world, i can't remember anything interesting that could have helped me grow other than learning some stuff that i probably have it around subconsiously and probably won't need and from the social part i only had one real friend at school, yeah i talked to other classmates, but at the same time, i wasn't fan of their lifestyle, not only that but some of the people i knew were pretty toxic, but i almost never had any problems with them, i mostly just would be kind and quiet around them or try to keep it simple to them, which i got the title of being a saint i guess. yeah my school was becoming so incompetent from time to time, which barely gving anything to do other than to study on the XX century style, the only best thing to do is just to be a good person, and the discipline points will hold you forever, and yeah, some annoying yet "simple" tasks of homework. But yeah almost everyday in life was like eating a piece of bread with bolony as long i tried to remain nice and quiet, almost never had anything conflicting that would require of me using any tactics at settling about an argument or a discussion, heck, no wonder i sucked trying to form an argument for a class about phones even for something simple back when i was in 10th grade.
I was pretty much being a nice, "responsible", kind, "serious??", "cute", innocent little angel persona who draws characters at their notebook it felt there was nothing more than just being a nice person, which in my opinion feels hollow to just put me that title, which is also fair because there was nothing else to describe me, it felt there was only one side of me which it was a bunch of compliments, but what i have outside is another texture from what i have on the inside, behind that exterior texture, probably crazy "layers" although i am not too sure if it's that i have a bunch of layers like of an onion, which each part i would have my sides with some quirks that all mashed up together creates some weird energy inside of me, i am not too sure, or maybe it's like a vase, pretty on the outside, dirty and dark on the inside, like it's just my ego in the way, my two sides. but yeah, i have an outer layer that makes me feel so limited which sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable, because for some reason makes me feel something i am not? like, it's something that i do have inside too but it's like the only thing that is the best for me to put on the outside, sometimes it was the best because i would be pretty afraid trying to be mischevious even though if i had some good people around, i felt awkward opening myself, and sometimes it was the best because people can be exhausting at times and people can be... kinda uninteresting.
there was something that maybe it kinda spiced my life though which was the internet, on the internet you start feeling a little more secure at being yourself, since everything is just visuals you wouldn't get too much in trouble other than, you did a funny silly thing on the internet and some simple brain capacities to start doing what you want, you find a social media, you interact with it, and then you find other activities and meet other people, it's some kind of an interesting freedom of doing whatever you want, but as a person of a simple outer cortex i would just use it for the same thing as watching stuff, play games and do some activities, except that there would be other people around you online, and yeah, the kind people you will see sometimes online sometimes can be quite interesting compared to the people you are surrounded with and used to, althought quite unfamiliar to interact with, you will find people that you wouldn't expect to see or would be kinda rare to interact with, the internet is a place that gives you a quick view of many doors around this world, so many different shades of opinions, so many levels. you find stuff around and you meet people, for some reason you feel more comfortable to be around them and find them cool, it feels a little easier to find them specially how there would be some places that calls your attention or that feels it's the place for you to belong so, you just open yourself more, maybe a little more..., maybe i am starting to get too comfortable, maybe i am starting to feel something different that i never explored with people, at being at the self that i probably only know of, it does makes me wonder if i just gained it from the new experiences i had online or it's just i have always been that way without knowing. But i wouldn't know much of it, i just see what it's direct to me and never thought of something else.
i feel a little stuck of what else to say, i feel i have been rambling for too long, but yeah, i feel quite narrow minded at times, even this text feels kinda narrow minded, i really need to read some articles.