#3 10/10/2023
Sometimes i have the urge to jump things too quickly, even when asserted to a plan, maybe out of desperation, i just sometimes fear even if i would at least better up myself i would have an irreversable damage, towards what i ruined the most, i didn't planned to make this entry but im just writting this to maybe just calm down myself a little, sometimes i just want to go jump to the other tunnels i know to try to talk about one more last thing to that person but it feels like ripping a recent wound to that person, i am being quite selfish about that, pretty much i still haven't moved on and yet i am still too far, i am not sure when this will last, even if a miracle happens that i get talked again i do fear i would just cause the same issues again, i do quite fail to tell myself that as long i can try to not think about it i could have this situation less painful, but sometimes i just get at this mindset about how i will never going to be their close friend again, but again, i think they'll hate it more how i am trying to nip it in the bud quickly just to feel happy about it without considering him. althought i am trying to not make the goal of this to talk to me again and be proud of me, i have no idea how would he even react or be towards me, and i am trying so damn hard to not think about it, because even if i don't want the bad ending to happen forever i can't pretend everything will be fine if the miracle good ending happens, it's not up to me, it hurts as hell but well what can I do?i guess to move on, i hate the word, i don't feel ready for the change even if i take it out of my mind, but it's the best i can do
This is gonna be awkward but for the love of God why can't i just be patient, i know it hurts but is running going to get me somewhere right now? I beg myself so many times don't do it and just get to the new stuff i have been planning of, which pretty much will be a horrible but interesting project out of coping. i'm just upset how i have stuff to do and i can't do it right now because of homework, i am just completely desperate right now, but if i continue with this joke at trying to change things too quickly i am gonna blow it more completely, i am literally begging and i have no idea why the heck i am using 1st person sentence, it sounds even much more awkward than saying "you" towards myself. I'm a dog running for food...
Whatever, i just hope i can find a way to cope and maybe even try to take these things over my mind, i perhaps would write a little more about temptation, but i think i should analyze it a bit more, maybe read the bible.