Karma

#5 15/12/2023

Well, what a little surprise and important thing i wanted to mention about... and it's something that surely is coming around towards me on a rapid rate.

So... my life surely turned a little worse than expected than just how i managed to break one person's point, and i am surely thinking more about it now. How it all started with some of my grades going lower than i would expect because out of my pity sadness party; i tried to maybe confront about what happen to a certain person i am not fan to talk to, but i thought i could talk to them for maybe, maybe... try to confront some of my thoughts towards them and gain some ideas and experience since i made a fool of myself a while ago at some server, basically from the fact i wanted some attention and tried to be some sort of a person everyone could like, but i only started to become one of the users that some of the people despice which perhaps, the conversation i wanted to have wasn't much of an ideal and should have thought about it better that this person will just only bring the same issue just to basically mock me how i am still at being the same idiot who does not know how to not leech towards people, i can't take them seriously tho, even if he is not too wrong with what they have been saying and of course people like him wouldn't start believing much how a person is going to change themselves like that but at the same time it's the best for me to not interact always with them since they wouldn't benefit me much at seeing my issue or maybe i am overthinking it much, i will care to type to them when i want to or at least when they don't start bothering other people to our conversation. I actually came to find someone who would have somewhat the same style of making discussions and arguments even if their motives are a bit wack, i can't start making a scene just because of an opinion.

But yeah, this time i didn't ruined one person's trust, i ruined two of them, even if i tried to start making a change about it but i might have jumped a little too early at having conversations without knowing what to do and say first, which i begged to be trusted about what am i doing, which is not for drama, nor i want to make things back to normal, since there was nothing normal from my motives to begin with, and i looked like if was still yet thorned with who to be with and just let it be on hold instead of making a desicion and doing something about it earlier, but yet again i was too much into my feelings to realize. After all my begging to trust in my changing, to the person i have been always through with, they stayed at the end, but they don't trust me anymore, which is fair, i deserve all what they have said towards me and some of the things they have mentioned are crucial issues that even I am worried to get through, since i surely know i am one great procrastinator that worries yet does nothing until last point.

Wanna know something though? After talking to myself how i have never done something about my shenanigans. I have talked to myself how once if i get better i will ditch all of this again, from what i said as long nothing is happening to me and something is making me happy and brings me all the affection that even i don't deserve i won't care nor feel it's a big problem, i concluded that i don't to make it as a plan anymore, because nothing is guaranteed that i can revert some of the things back to normal which sooner or later i will have to accept, even if a miracle happened.. I just have to let the things flow at my life while i research, i will take it as challange rather than a plan, i want to experiment what will i do, and i will sure make my mind to come haunt me if i start slipping out, because i am motivated out of the anxiety and dreams i am receiving every morning reminding me how i ruined people's perspectives at having hope at to not be too afraid of people, which has starting at making me feel guilty af. maybe it's time to stop at trying to defend myself even from the stuff i don't know much but should at least check some stuff about it, maybe i should start moving foward at checking new places and slowly trying to make new friends because i can't only depend one person to love me forever, i should think more of myself at figuring my own future than to continue making this hive, and to remove the crown i have done and should have removed for a very long time, the word respect, so much i only have complained about that it's dead, i am only a dang hypocrite for claiming at something i don't do much to people that i have picked too much fights because out of assumptions, assumptions i want to know why are they just wrong. I have to stop trying to be over ambitious with my life and wanting to reach stuff i am not too sure about because i only have been thinking of the future rather than the hole i am digging at...

Anyways, to continue this nonsense i am going to fight myself because i have nothing much to do, sorry if i sound very crazy than what i already am.

I'm sorry OP but do you think you are this special to consider yourself worthy to have what you destroyed back to normal? the thing that these people gave you too many chances even if you have promised to make a "change about it" out the sake how much they cared about you, how much they did everything for you? and have fallen from grace, actually no, you had this ego since always and you let it happen because of your egotistic Fi push you foward at trying to defend yourself out of nonsense. Be honest, you never knew what you were doing. Even as much you feel guilty about this situation, you surely are going to give up on all of this, you don't sound genuine, you surely are going to leave this and give up in the end, i know you won't ever last not even for a month, you will continue moping until you shrug it off, admit even if you get stressed you make a terrible job at sorting things and only straight up start blaming on your feelings instead of yourself for not controlling YOUR feelings because it makes you look like shit, and pointing how bad you are doesn't make you sound that you are genuinely aware of it, you sound like you are only repeating what they said to make you think that you sound like if you feel bad about it, did you expected to get a pat and people to comfort you and treat you like a child because you don't know much of the world? because that sounds way too specific, you don't need a password to do fix your fuck ups, that is your job, your responsibility, and your issue, stop bringing your issues to people like that, they're not psychologists and they wont always tolerate what you are going to blabber about, because they themselves are people too with their own issues and their own situations and with feelings too if you are forgetting even if they can sound pretty blunt and just because they offer you help, doesn't mean they are fixing everything for you while you cry and shit on the floor like a baby, you are getting older, and those teenage years are soon about to be gone, maybe reflect yourself more this time because at least some people of your age would see how some of their behavior is sketchy af because out of immaturity and would surely at least accept how idiotic they have been and that's why you should mature and if you ever need help from a view you don't understand and if you care to admit your mistakes too, just search for people even if you don't know them, even make an alt i don't care, stop being so comfortable. and that once if you ever EVER care to continue this challange that you proclaim that you have hope to do so, just accept how everything it is now, you really wanna show you are a person that indeed wants to change yourself, right? that is something you ALWAYS said to the person you said you CARED for, right? is this what you really want to do? because you will always have to remember you are just a person, a person who has been too much at trying to point out how they're right, it doesn't matter if you are right or wrong, because if you were wrong people are not going to kill you for it, even if they do, just be smart at trying to take it as a lesson and don't feel too bad about it cuz no one is better than anyone when it comes to making mistakes, because it's what people do, and that's how it's done, even so if anywho who doesn't stop with the issue they're just being assholes just to bring you down instead that they are actually concerned. I hope the guilt kills you for the sake for learning, i'm just upset how you proclaim to be this nice person and yet betray the people you supposedly said that you care for even after betraying them and hurting too many times. i'm not telling you this because i am trying to bring you down nor i am telling you to kys for being such a bitch, so stfu with that "im so mean i should die waaaaaaaaaaa" you made everything on your head without making any actual confirmation and refused to take the advices that even if they seemed "pushy" as in your own little mind would put at as to "be more normal" no one ever asked you to become "normal". it's all too late now, but i suggest you to start doing this even if you already fucked up, this time you are going to do it out of your sake, if you don't want your delusions become reality. this is all i can tell you for now, i might repeat it once or twice in an entry if i am still at this position or whatever maybe even out for creative devotions. i don't know anymore, there is probalby more than this but i will check that out once i manage to read the dms that i am still a bit afraid to get into it, but that's why i want to be prepared at trying to learn at maybe not see the things so badly and take it by heart..

This will take a while, i'll have to work on my ego. baby steps, i'm gonna prove i can change, that people even slow minded that they can be at times, they can redeem themselves and see how at what they see is not always the best point of view.

Anyways, I won't post daily, maybe expect it once or twice in a week or two weeks it'll depend how busy i am, and i won't always make the entries this long either. All this thinking made me want to start learning art again and make me want to do some lyrics/poetry, even if they get cringey, but i'll mainly do it out of my fun and coping mechanism.