#6 25/12/2023
Yeah i don't know what to put at the title, but surely this won't be too important i guess since i have't advanced much yet. Well, i was waiting until i had all my subjects grade to make a new entry but i guess one of them won't be graded until who knows wehen but it surely gonna be a decent grade.
So i passed them all my grades, not as i completely expected but i passed them at a decent way, yay... and that's what matters, first time i get a horrible grade in one subject in my life but i don't care, i knew i was going to fail it because of my second period of my quadrimestry flopped drastically out of some reasons but hey, the teacher didn't failed me, she passed me, barely, but i passed and that's what matters. I shouldn't compare my school grades with this new system to start feeling bad which i didn't because i just find having a 70-79 grade like an average at university (which it is) and in order to have grades it's only through quizzes, exams and works which they're only one shot grading, you don't get much of other oportunities to try to higher up those grades. after all, in this university no one gives a damn if one gets a bare minimum of a C unless you are those people who are so trully devoted to get in to honors or still doesn't know much of the system of the university, because at schools a C is basically like a concern of having it that low and one would worry, I don't think i want to be those people anymore, even as much i want to get attention and be seen i am a good student it doesn't really help me much in my life and i rather have a neutral relationship between teachers and students when it comes to class or anywhere else. I want to focus at my other hobbies (and just in case i start flopping hard at university, or at least at the career i am on). I find university stressful, but it can be manageable.
This is my first and worst quadrimestry so far, which it has indeed made me questionate some of my choices and ended at doubting at myself when it comes to these kinds of responsability, These are indeed basic classes and not part of my career i chose, which is dentistry so i can't really give much of an opinion about my experience about learning something about that career yet. had a friend that would have told me i should have chosen architecture, and one classmate has told me i am good for architecture (although aside of drawing bodies and some basic 3D shapes doesn't make me that capable to tackle at those technical drawing classes, but it surely sounds much more fun than to worry who wants to be my next guinea pig and cleaning my wallet to have a shitty grade) sometimes i feel bad at not choosing architecture, which i was going to but i had these false misinformation with something i hated and still hate to tackle which is math, it's not that i am completely stupid with it, i just get confused with the ammount of rules that each subjects it comes with, and i forget formulas, i don't give a great dedication to math and school was a little messy when it comes to math classes. I do wonder if i have dyscalculia specially when i get confused at even the most simplistic parts or forget after what i learn but it's more that i just procrastinate and just give a quick read and try to do my best but no, it's mostly about drawing and creating buildings or whatever, it does sounds fun but i actually chose dentistry to gain some ability when it comes to situations in life, specially when handling people, i'll have to confront it sooner or later and i do want to learn something more than just drawing, yeah it has it's benefits such as finding new ideas and resolving plans but i want to learn about the people part, in my opinion, i think dentistry you require a lot of charisma, it's a teamwork job and one can't do it alone, me? i am fucking loner and i wished i could stuff just by myself and be distant towards everyone, but even if i can survive being that way, i don't think it will benefit me much of my life, so maybe a push of obligation will help me gain smth out of understanding myself and maybe, find other events in my life.
Since i have vacation i can relax more, i was getting tired of going outside while my mind was eating me all up, glad my morning nausea is gone though, it was becoming a nuisance. battling with my feelings will be very hard when it comes to anything about my life. i think i should avoid crying more, it is pretty hard to think while the effects of crying causes me, which lasts for a long while.
Since I have been slowing move on, my feelings and my mood shifted at being comfortable with some my behavior again and some of my habits came over again, i have been disoriented at what to do or think because unfortunately i still don't know which is the main issue, i didn't read much of articles about researching my behaviour yet but life has sure been giving me some videos out of nowhere even indirectly, it's like if someone knows... which is about needing a break of the stuff i care too much about, it's hard to concentrate about my own issues while i am sucking at someone's mind. I need to put myself first even if i have to learn how to stop being so self centered, i don't know it's kinda complicated, it's like i need to take care of myself but i need to stop trying to get too much at thinking everything about myself, only i do it because i feel quite vulnerable towards people, knowing how butthurt i end up getting. it doesn't i will forget them, they'll be somewhere in my mind, even more since i have noticed at them towards a status that surely is making me feel quite bad of, i should move one from them but even i can't stop feeling some sympathy for them, i'm quite of an sympathetic person, and i understand that classes sucks so yeah... i can't really give much of an opinion about it and i am not quite sure what's going on for them but i hope things get better for them, i surely do. but i suppose with the stuff they're going through will pretty much affect them outside of their interior for a long while, i feel that, or maybe i don't, i'm only speculating what's going on. i still feel bad for everything but it's useless to do anything while knowing nothing will change with my irrational interior. I have been speaking towards someone i used to mind a lot but recently i have been pretty neutral towards them, anything that i could find negative i could think twice before feeling about it and would try to not make it as a big issue, although we haven't done longer conversations for it to make it as a better challange.
My texts are pretty incoherent when it comes at changing topics. Anyways, I might start plotting my projects sooner or later, i need to organize what i want to do first...